when did i stumble

Has it come to this then.

I fell asleep and the world was beautiful..
Your smile was enough..
Your hands knew perfection

In the morning this world has crashed.. this twilight anew
Awash with red.. awash with black.. colours of despair..
And now.. I claw
Find a way back I must.

Your love was a lie..
This life was a farce..and now it's come to this.
Years I knew you.. I thought I knew you
Years I felt you.. I never felt you

Today there's pain, yesterday there was pain.. tomorrow, I fear
How do I walk..how do I smile.. how to take my mind out of this place
Despair I call it.

A loss of senses
A loss of time
Of smiles, of freedom..of knowing myself
Has it come to this

A journey through time..a journey to myself
Where I find myself.
Where I understand..somehow this is bigger than me
Somehow I need to give more than me..
Selfish this life has turned to colours.. and I wonder
What now..
Has it come to this

Pain, hurt..
A new step forward..harder than I ever knew
Plans to be made.. things to see.. life to live
Anew

Awash with gold, light..brightness
Come over me
Make me whole again
Make me see

Take my hand..lead me from this place
Lead me to smile.. once known..now forgotten
Lead me to myself.. once known..now forgotten

Has it come to this afterall.

cross roads

After too long, and too much working/re working.. my Goldman Sachs application has finally gone out. It's my second attempt- since the first one was not successful. Nothing I can do now but wait...Fingers crossed.

I haven't started my coursework..yes I know.. two days (more like two months) behind schedule. I suppose I'm just not excited by it.. somehow that slows things down a little.

I've found myself in a very familiar limbo.
My ex has been inundating me with requests to spend Christmas with me, here in London.
This would be our first Christmas apart in 8 years. Yes- I know that's what a breakup is meant to do. Set people apart.

But I can't get nagging feelings and thoughts out my my head that in some respects, I'm making the wrong decision.

The premise for my thoughts-

I somehow think that he is genuine..and that he has really understood, not just what he has done to take us to this point..but the reasons why he did it..and what he needs to do the make sure he doesn't do it again.

The easiest thing to say is that, this is wishful thinking on my part. That people who lie..and have made a lifestyle of lying, don't change.
That someone who hurt me for some many years..and dis respected me for this long...isn't going to be any different now.

That's the easy..practical aspect of this entire ordeal..and the reason why I have stood my ground, and haven't even considered reconcilation. I have infact moved on with my life (somewhat).

The other side is that..potentially, this person has changed. And I don't believe for a minute that the change is for me, and my benefit... I think he has changed, because he realised that he needs to..for himself.

When it comes to change..the motivation I think is the most important..and more likely, determines whether the change sticks or not.

The dilemma that I face is that... I love this man (yes...still)

I've spent nearly a decade with him.. and together we've made many plans, have had many dreams, and have built something.
By no means are those things my motivation for wanting/or not wanting to give this relationship another shot...instead, it's just a difficult situation with two people who love eachother so deeply.. with a relationship which (without a doubt) is one of those you experience once in lifetime.

I truly believe that what we had, was something that some people never experience. Two people who connect, understand eachother, and just quite simply compliment eachother splendidly.

And that's what makes it hard. I have thoughts running parallel within me. I'm in conflict with myself.

Realistically: I don't believe, and I don't expect anything to be different. Basing this on past experience with him..that things always always end up in the same mess..i.e, lying, cheating.

Emotionally: I think that he is now genuinely mores aware of himself, and his actions.. and I think he is genuinely making an effort to change.

These two realities are at odds with eachother.
And I'm left hopeless.

Do I stick with reality..be practical.
Or do I go with my gut.. which says something different from my practical mind.. and which also hints that I might be making a mistake, if I don't give it another shot.

Grrr!!!
To think Christmas brought this on.

I hate Santa.

speak to us of love

From the writings of Khalil Gibran...

'The Prophet' is one off my most loved books...and the second chapter is one of my favorites within it

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

all possibilities

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until
they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
Anais Nin

I have learnt that my name has several meanings..depends on who I'm talking to. It means water, money, or my favorite voodoo (or magic)..I've always though I had a certain mystical something (lol)...

I've been told that I look like I'm from Tunisia. and in an effort to not look foolish next time I'm told I look like I'm from Tunisia I've researched the country...so my knowledge has now expanded a little.

I've met someone from Nepal..and subsequently learnt where it is. Hey my geography could be alot worse.

I've heard of Druism for the first time...and learnt that as a religion, Druists believe in re incarnation. Never met anyone who believed in re incarnation before.

I've met someone who lived through wars in Lebanon throughout his childhood...a humbling experience and harrowing one. How do you come out through these experiences a happy and balanced person.

There truly is a wealth out there. People, their diversity..this world is beautiful because of it.

After lectures yesterday I tagged along with a group of friends as they went in search of lunch.

We drove for 45mins to get to a kebab shop. Was hilarious really. We all know men love their food.. but, the three of them kept going on and on about the phenomenal burger we were about the have.

So after 45 mins..we got to this famed kebab shop ..and by gosh.. the size of the bloody chicken that went into the burger was enough to choke on. Needless to say, I held on tightly to my veggie one, and tucked into my chips..goooood. Heyy..I love the odd burger just as much as the next guy alright.

Two of them couldn't finish their massive plates..wonder why.
This one goes down for the record.
Apparently that restaurant is known for their 'big ones'.

Was dropped off home afterward..did a bit of cleaning- while trying to avoid straining my still-bleeding-stitches..a little bit of painting..or I tried to rework a few mistakes on a painting. Need to get some decent brushes.

I'm up today..tea in hand..and fully intend to
1. Send out at least one application
2. Start my coursework. I'm being severely delinquent on this one. And today is the day I stop (ehem)
3. Do some overdue washing.
4. Do some more cleaning..tackle the bathroom

I know it doesn't sound like much but.. somehow.. it is.

Be back a little later.

its only love..give it away

When we're all absorbed in our own lives..and our own troubles..

Or when we're all bundled up with love..and greatness..and warmth..

Give some away.. either way... it's only love..

Don't hold on to it..and alot more will come your way..

A bit early but..Happy holiday season... let's remember what it really is about..

Click over to to get these done. Seriously cool. Just type in your thoughts or paste a paragraph or whatever and randomize it..

dottie

Bored last night, played around with fireworks a bit...colour beautiful.. this is what I think

and i'm off

yes.. I did mention riding in my previous post. I did it after all..Made up my mind to go for it..and got a bike.. not my dream one... not the lovely Princess or Victoria.. but alas..

Welcome Valerie to my family.. :)

As the story goes.. I can't ride. I wasn't allowed to while growing up, and just never got around to it now that I am grown up..until now..

I'm certain it's a frightening thing for pedestrians to see a grown woman, on a less than conventional bike (in these parts anyway) barrelling down the side walk...barely slowing down- for fear of losing her balance (I'll call it 'vibe')- before rushing across side roads.
But that's kinda what I look like..haha..

My first ride was from the building where I live..to a nearby park..almost adjoining the estate. I did two laps in the park, and decided I was brave enough to attempt the canal path..

Canal path = narrow.

Canal path = bordering large body of water.

Learner taking her first ride along canal path = disaster waiting to happen.

or so you would think..

I would like to dispel that..and say.. I did fine!
and was so proud of myself as well.

Apart from my runnings with quite a few bushes...and emergency braking every time I headed straight for the water..(I had to come up with a just-in-case strategy as well...I'd leap off the bike and defy gravity..in my attempt to stay on solid ground instead of drowning with Valerie)

It felt like..small steps to some sort of freedom. Getting something done, that I had always wanted to do.. and doing it on my own..with no support..and no encouragement. I just did it, on sheer determination.

But that brave move..I had to accept, might have been a bit foolhardy and too much for my first time.. so I decided to tone it down a little..
I've taken to night time riding.. firstly to avoid all the curious stares and occasional kind/apologetic smiles- they can be embarrassing :).. and secondly..well, that's the only reason really.

My second ride..I did a few laps around the estate..plenty of parking lots and walkways..

Third ride, still at night...and impatient with being a learner (as I've always been)..I took to the road.. but stayed on the sidewalk. I rode all the way to my uni.. now that was an accomplishment..
I'm still not confident enough to ride next to pedestrians though.. so if anyone is approaching, I get off the bike..as stylishly as I can..and walk

My fourth ride.. and this is where it's getting serious.. I rode to the hospital for an early morning appointment. I didn't know the way..not exactly.. since I was trying to avoid the highway, and wanted to stick to as many back roads as possible..

I set out, armed with a map..stopping every 5 minutes to figure out which direction I should be heading... another thing I'm hopeless at..directions. I can get lost in the same place 5 times before I get it right.

Anyway..

Long story short.. I made it to my appointment..on time.. then rode allll the way to uni..and then into town.. where very proudly, I locked Valerie up (that doesn't sound right does it) and went shopping....
It's liberating.. I don't have to wait on anyone- transport or traffic- just pop in, pop out.. and stick everything I buy into my basket..luvly..
Had a nice ride home afterwards...

Bear in mind..this was all done on side walks.. as much as possible.. I tried riding on the road once, but literally freaked out when I realised there was a car behind me (where else would it be..that's what the road is for), and nearly lost balance.. So until I'm confident enough..I'll stick to sidewalks.

I already have my list- and it's growing- why I'm loving this..

1. mentioned above...time is in my hands now. No waiting on the bus..

2. comfort...no more being squished up against the heavy breathing man who blows through his mouth on the bus (why is it always me)

3. health benefits..which I suppose I'll talk about a little more when I actually ride a useful amount of time.. for now lets just say, I have a nice feeling in legs and arms every time I'm done..

4. toasty...much much warmer than walking in winter. I can already tell. I've had to take layers off because I've been too warm. What are he chances of that happening while I'm stuck at a bus stop freezing waiting on a late and crowded bus, or walking to school.

5. I'm loving the looks I get (I'd like to think I don't only get scared- oh god she's going to crash ones). I've had a few people stare, openly, at the bike- and comment 'lovely bike', 'oh how lovely'.. and me on it..dressed in my everyday clothes, and not at all like a 'cyclist'..I'd hope I carry that cycle chic banner fairly well

6. freedom. nuff said.

I won't be able to do any riding for the next couple weeks- Doctor's orders- not until I get my stitches out at least (yeah..alot's been going on).

So for today.. I'm indoors.. listening to the rain hit my windows.. it's a lovely sound.

winter and all her cozy thoughts

Winter is here..

Rainy lazy days..gray, dark days that almost seem muffled..bright bright days with few clouds, you instinctively know it's going to be freezing on those days... difficult mornings for waking up..the sun only brightens up the world on my way to school.. more excuses to stay indoors.. I love it..

I had to replace my beloved gloves this week.. I had some old and very faithful fingerless ones with a happy colourful pattern..pity my fingers after the briefest exposure almost always felt like they might break off. I replaced them with a cozy brown pair..also with happy colourful patterns haha..not very adventurous, but very creative.

On creativity..

I was planning on an evening ride last week...here's the order in which it went..

I got dressed..maximum layering in effect
Pulled on my trusty canvas shoes, one size too small..
Put on my very thick and very very comfy hooded parka..faux fur lined
Pulled on my oversized beanie..
and then decided..a flower would look lovely..

hmmm..how to solve this?...well.. I decided to make a flower ofcourse..

I mean.. time wasting?..new level here..

I got out two pieces of fabric I kept from my wedding preparation debacle back in March..

A lovely light pink silk dupioni, and cream satin..
and proceeded to cut and sew the loveliest corsage.. which I might add, in the end was too big for a headpiece, and went unworn that night.

After my sudden creative spell... I carried Valerie down the stairs and out into the lovely crisp night air..

I can't help but smile while riding.. and especially I laugh out loud to myself everytime I wobble, or everytime I lose complete balance..or when I have to brake suddenly to avoid running right into a wall or something hard and stationary..I've had one gentleman leap off the sidewalk and nearly run into a wall himself..I think he realised the speed at which the shakey light was baring down on him wasn't being controlled by a professional.

More on the riding later.

Today is..as was yesterday.. beautiful

random thought #1

What's really going to happen if a Black man becomes President?

coldest winter for the red indians

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was
going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society,
he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the
safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold
and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the
coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is Going to be quite
cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going
to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again
replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather
Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very
cold?" "Absolutely," The Man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red
Indians are collecting wood like Crazy."

dreaming of Queen K

In these times..You can't get away from..

Economic meltdown...

If I had a penny for each time I heard the term 'credit crunch', I would be retired now. Sunning on a beach somewhere in Corfu, drinking a Margarita, with a view of a 50ft yacht called Queen K....privy to deals being brokered and laws being made.

It's a curious time, and even more curious how we've gotten to this point. Who's going to help us understand it..anyone? How about those guys still enjoying their lurvly bonuses from last year..(I have no gripes with them and bonuses if the risks they took were careful, well informed ones i.e they did their job properly)

Bank of England deputy governor Charlie Bean 'warns that worst financial crisis in human history' is indeed imminent...the pound continues to play up-today-down-tomorrow.

Transport costs are rising..food and retail prices are increasing..commodities increasing. You can bet after the Iceland fiasco councils will be increasing taxes. Although oil per barrel has fallen by nearly half since it's peak this summer..this isn't being reflected in energy prices, and motorists are only seeing small changes, very slowly, at the gas pumps. There's still talk of fuel poverty for this winter..and I for one am braving it with no heating..

Talk about adding insult to injury...BP has announced profits of 148%. You have to wonder when figures like these are released in times like these.

Of course we can always rely on Opec to regulate matters for us..they will cut production, inevitably increasing per barrel price again...next year already sounds like a riot.

We all know the havoc being reeked in the housing market. Banks are barely lending to each other- Libor rates aren't going anywhere fast- and so it's no great surprise that they aren't in a hurry to lend to the public. Although interest rates have dropped, it isn't yet reflected in mortgage offers.
In any event all predictions lean towards Bank of England lowering interest rates drastically, and sooner rather than later..to make debt cheaper and encourage spending.

Not even venturing into bank bail outs and what that means for future interest rates/pensions/salaries/anything to do with the next generation of workers (that's myself and fellow classmates).

I can't get rid of the feeling that alot of this is self fulfilling. We hear it enough that we're entering a recession..people are terrified and cut spending. Stocks markets, already nervous become more cautious. Everything crashes..we enter recession. Red Indian story (I'll post later)...perfect illustration


Word for the month..and rest of the year R-E-C-E-S-S-I-O-N.

-------





'Yes We can'...

A Presidential election as never seen before...(to be honest, it's the first time I've partly followed one). This election reflects the times we live in very well I think. The media is being used to a new advantage, the age of celebrity is real and alive on the footsteps of the White House. Drama has never been more real in the US.

America is ready for a change. I think many people will be heading to polls to vote, not for Obama, but against a republican government, fronted by a half wit- with daddy pulling the strings, which has been in the White House for too long. They will vote against a prolonged war, and against the current economic turmoil.

Obama seems to shine. And with what appears to be an ordained (by whom I can't say) campaign, he is certain he will win.

Mc Cain on the other hand...

Is it me or does he look like he's going down the senile route, and falling apart while doing it (yeah, I know I'm late in this observation). The poor bugger and his faulty arm, faulty cheek, faulty skin...damn. Not much going for him.

Yup..I'm a bit confused as well. Does he agree..or disagree..oh both? hmm.

Him and his trigger-happy-just-a-soccer-mom vice president Palin. Gotta love em.

I think a 'leave Britney alone' style video defending these two would be wicked. Then we can bunch them up..along with Paris and really jazz up the White House.

you melt my heart..

"Physical warmth can make us see others as warmer people, but also cause us to be warmer -- more generous and trusting -- as well..."

A new study has found a relationship exists between physical warmth and emotional warmth.

I suppose this goes a step to explaining a few things.. like why a lovely bowl of soup warms you right up...and does wonders for the soul..

So next time you pick up a cuppa, spare a thought for that lovely stranger next to you.

Full article here

blossoms of a sort

On a slightly more positive note.

I finally started a painting.

I'm using acrylics...and it's my first painting...so trial and error on this one

Stage one.. the flowers have been painted onto the canvas. I can't honestly say what type of flowers they are. I started out with the intention of painting cherry blossoms. But I'm certain those aren't cherry blossoms. I'm also certain that the branches and leaves I'll be adding won't belong to any particular type of plant either.

The most I can hope for is that it will be a conversation piece one day. I can very proudly say to any guests 'that's my work you know'. It'll go down a storm..

perfect day to feel lousy

The year is winding down.

Things are meant to be falling into place.
My life should be in rhythm..somehow.

I'm trying not to be pessimistic here. But why does it seem like anything negative that has to happen..would happen to me.
My sister suggests that maybe God is allowing these things to happen so I will seek his face. A comment I gracefully avoided debating.

So is this how he wants to draw me in to seek his face...that seems a little like bullying doesn't it.
If everything I choose to do, which He doesn't approve of...leads to my unhappiness, leads to more pain.. then, how much of a 'choice' is that truly. It's His way, or none other.

I've been moaning about how much I dislike my experience with Monsoon.

For the past few weeks, I've been feeling more and more like I'm regressing. I'll accept that everyday is an opportunity to learn something new, to develop in some way..come across an idea, think about something in a way we haven't before.
But a sales/fitting room assistant position hardly affords the opportunity to think miles outside the box. It doesn't colour my world in any new shades. It's mundane, it isn't rocket science, and it isn't exactly a learning experience- once you get past the first few days of 'learning' to greet customers in the effusive manner that managers tend to like.

As if in response to my complaints (and intentions to resign- complete with resignation letter typed up and waiting to be printed)...I received a letter in the mail today, from Monsoon...summoning me to a hearing..to discuss the fact that I'm not entitled to work in the UK, and applied to do so under false pretences.

Well then...news to me.

After several calls to the Home Office..it turns out that, in fact..despite being a full time student...I don't have the right to work here. To be clear...it appears that I'm here illegally (now there's a laugh if I needed one)

To summarise: My travelling to the UK on a previously approved student visa doesn't mean that I have the right to be here.. since that visa was approved for a previous course, and not the one that I am currently on.

Here's the question I've asked before.. How do I find myself in these messes.

I should have resigned as I had planned to last weekend. Should have should have should have...what difference does it make now.

I'm about to be fired, for the first time in my life...for being 'deceitful'...but goody, I will be allowed an opportunity to 'defend' myself and actions at the hearing. God..how awful does that sound.

I've been in bed for two days now. I don't get ill very often, and when I do I'm normally back up in no time. But I've had this cold for nearly a week, and it's threatening to keep me indoors, under my covers, with no unnecessary movements. It doesn't sound bad does it. Actually, sounds like the perfect day in.

But I hate being sick. I hate feeling like I'm losing time. And I especially hate the cold sweats, painful throat, blocked nose and headaches.

I'm feeling lousy today.
Lousy and depressed.

..and this letter does fuck all to brighten my life or thoughts...where is that positive road I was on a few days ago.

choose your attitude

so today..will you be a winner, or a loser. Will you choose to smile when you feel horrible inside. Will you choose to remain positive, to be who you want to be.

I woke up miserable yesterday after a rough night. Living alone here, there's always the prospect that if something goes terribly wrong with me- no one would know. I mean..how would they. I live alone, I don't know anyone in the building, where I live. My family is halfway across the world. I shivered through the night, as I had been struggling with the onset of a cold all day. I was fully and doubly clothed, wrapped in a duvet with socks on and no good..I shivered right through the night.

Anyway..woke up yesterday feeling a bit down. I thought: I hate this job (Monsoon), I don't think this particular type voluntary work is what I want to do (Envision), and I don't want to go in to class today: I had a 9am seminar with 'The Cat', my eccentric lecturer who stumbles into class looking like he just spent the past week down the pub.

But I chose my attitude, and decided to go for it.

My seminar was fun, as of course it would be: nothing more stimulating than discussing the current economic climate and listening to cat's rather bleak predictions for the future (he can be very very negative)- at 9 am, when the sun is barely up.

My time with the students went very well, and much too quickly. I'm continually fascinated by how much they want to offer. These are the labelled no-good, criminal, gun slinging future adults of Wembley- being exactly opposite the stereotype.

They're intelligent, so full of energy, and have all these ideas about what's wrong with their community, their school, their world...but they haven't given themselves any opportunities to think about it, much less address it. Now, they're seeing the possibility with Envision..and are battling within themselves, to find that one thing they are most passionate about.
Out of yesterday's session, it appeared that the majority are concerned with the level of gun crime in the community. Gun crime, and them being stereotyped: because of their colour, because of where they're from, because of a sibling who came to the same school and built a poor reputation before them...

I'm excited about what we're going to do. About how I can help them make a difference in the way they think. Help them see they aren't limited. They can be positive. They can make a change.

Work turned out to be fine as well. I spent some time sitting in with two police officers, a security guard and two out of four girls who had been caught shoplifting.

Barely 13 these girls were, but they had stolen goods from 5 stores, including Accessorize. Were caught on our cctv footage. They showed no remorse- none...sat at a table flipping through gossip magazines, chatting away, texting on their mobiles..like they didn't realise the crime they had committed, they didn't see the magnitude of it. Their families showed little interest in coming to get them: the police waited for 4 hours before someone came to pick these last two up..and actually social services is responsible for one of them. What I think is typical here. There's hardly any guidance. Hardly any parenting. The burden it seems lies on schools or the state to provide that, yet schools can only do so much. Everything fails these kids.

I made a lovely coffee this morning..and after several attempts to get out of bed, I'm well on my way.

Today I set out to London, to have a look at a few bikes. Let's see how that goes.
I thought I might attempt to visit 'Seizure' as well: some things are better done with company though..so I may give it a miss..may do, may not. If I go and they allow pictures..i'll be sure to post some here.
----

You know...handling the same challenges everyday..the same situations..the same people..the same conflicts, isn't what makes us great. It's how we chose to deal with the new things that come up. How we find integrity, the right attitude and the courage to face what we haven't before...how we choose to use what life throws at us, to make us stronger, make us better inside and out.

my first bike

oooooh shiny!

I've decided to get a bike.

Get this...i've never ridden a bike before.

A bit brave/foolish? I mean, learning to ride and actually getting on London roads hmm. I don't know.

I've decided on a Dutch Style bike...oh are they sexy or are they sexy. I love the 'sit up and beg' riding position of these bikes...and thats what i'm really after. Coppenhagen Chic does a good job of featuring them in action..

----------------

The contenders...

Velorbis Victoria Classic
Looking less and less likely...but couldn't resist posting the sex appeal this bike has (lol)

Batavus Old Dutch

This is is a serious contender.. I'm going to have a look at a few of them this weekend. It doesn't look at all sexy or shiny in any of the pics I found. I'm hoping she's not matte when I finally meet her (see..it's getting to me..i've already humanised the bikes).

Ofcourse I'll be adorning her with a basket :)

And the almost certain winner.. I WANT I WANT I WANT

Pashley Princess.. comes as the Princess Sovereign and Princess Classic..

I can just see myself...ahhh Princess

More of Princess Sovereign

Princess at the market. Picture from Pashely.com

Princess in the movie 101 Dalmations

Royalty will be mine!! (insert crazy laugh here)

Can't wait for the weekend..won't be buying..but i'll be a little closer to deciding hopefully.

tea and a window

Funny that I'm back here. Thought I was done chronicling pointless thoughts/words.
Went out to the movies last night. 'Mirrors'..not bad..but the family plot disappointed me a bit..and the explanation by the lovely demented sister esseker sounded a bit daft after the intensity of the film.

After movies, had a few drinks..and cigarettes. I fell off the wagon that I wasn't even really on. Haven't smoked for years..but i'm tempted everytime I walk by a smoker. It's a bit funny actually..why am I tempted..I was never addicted to them or anything. A little over a month ago, I decided..well I need at least one vice right? So I bought a pack...when that finished, I stopped..until last night.

I seem to have a lot less control over myself than I did when I was younger, a kid even. I mean, I woke up on morning and decided- for no good reason, that I wasn't eating meat anymore..and that was it..fifteen years ago..I ate my last piece of flesh. (gosh that sounds a bit cannibalistic/vamire-y).
I woke up this morning..not hung over..at least I controlled myself enough to limit drinks to two..but with a scratchy throat..those cigarettes didn't do me well.

I'm sitting at my window with a lovely view of the last remaining autumn leaves. Huge trees, now orange and gold and brown. My favorite time of year..the colours. Cup of tea in hand. I've deliberately slowed myself down, and left the tv switched off. It's quite peaceful here.

My movie/drinks companion last night..someone whom I only met two weeks ago..thought it was necessary to tell me that he likes me..'like verry much' (eye roll). Not only am I in no way attracted to him..and baring his age (the kid is 22 for petes sake)..I had to tell him that I'm not looking for anything even resembling a relationship right now...or any significant romantic contact with a man for that matter. Zilch. He should have figured that out though, without me having to tell him.

I'm at a point where, yes, I want to have fun, I want to make loads of friends, people I can hang out with..normally this turns out to be guys.. But, my fun doesn't mean flings, doesn't mean random sex, doesn't mean anything physical..and you can bet i'm not going to get involved in anything emotional.

All of this has me wondering this morning.. Am I going to allow the experience with my ex, to limit me, cause me to blanket judge other men pre maturely, and isolate myself? I hope not. I don't think that's what i'm doing now. I think i've just responsibly decided that..after being in a relationship for 8 years...and after it having been the only relationship I've ever been in..and after it ending so tragically...maybe I just need sometime to be with me..and enjoy me..learn what I want for a change.

What happened last night encouraged me, maybe a little. I had this fear..some say irrational..that at 26..I wasn't exactly going to find myself in the loving game..like my boat had sailed or something. But maybe not. Someone I just met is already very interested in me. Maybe i'm not that boring afterall..maybe i'm not that 'old', or unattractive afterall.

Maybe I need to stop putting myself down so much. And focus on what I am..as opposed to what i'm not. Find out what I can..as opposed to what I can't.

That's it. My tea's gone cold, and my morning is rushing ahead without me.

last words

Without any doubt, my heart is yours.

Without a question of why..my commitment has been to you. When I understood that I loved you, I understood that I would fight for you. I would honour, I would cherish you.

I understood it would never be perfect, life doesn't afford us such favours…but I knew what I had found was a friend, a complement to myself, a source of strength and support, and a source I would be the same to.

My joy has been in loving you. In helping you, in being the one who held your hand, rubbed your shoulder and said it will be alright.

I’ve seen you grow. I’ve watched you blossom from someone struggling to understand his prupose, to someone who sets his goals and reaches out to them, who goes after his dreams and builds, who can control his life.

Our time together has been special. I have been blessed with laughter, with joy, happiness and strength..and I thank you for being with me, and sharing in my pleasures.

Without a doubt, I question what the best path for me to follow. I question it, yet I know.

I know that this heart I have opened up, I have given to you unreservedly, needs to be taken care of. I know that this spirit I have shared with you, needs to be healed. I know that although I still long for you, and long to love you, I cannot be loved by you. I know that I need to be loved in more than a word. I need to be loved in action.

I have respected the person you were, the person you became. I cannot hurt you. Yet I fear this life we have made for ourselves is bound to keep hurting.

I have honoured you and given of myself more than I would have thought possible. Yet, it has not been enough. It has not been what you need.

I hope, with all the love than remains in me, that you find happiness.
That you find a love which fills you, builds you and gives you strength to fly.

I deserve to find that person who can love me in such a way..promise to care for me, to support me, to honour and respect me.

I have faith that I will be led to a place of peace, of fulfilment. I pray that you will find the same.

Love,
Me

on the mixed race thing

I never gave much thought to being mixed race. Infact, I’ve always just considered myself to be ‘Caribbean’, or just quite plainly ‘Black’. Maybe a simplistic view I know..but then my mixed ethnicity hasn't been much of an issue while growing up.

A very good friend and I had a discussion along the bi racial lines quite unintentionally, a few weeks ago. He has a mixed race daughter, and feels so strongly about the tradition of labelling anyone who has a ‘drop’ of black in their ethnicity, as being black. He pointed out that a cup of coffee with milk added isn't still a black coffee, or if mixing red and white paint…which colour would you label the end result as; white or red? Similarly, it can’t work that way with people. I wasn’t too sure how to respond to that. I was a bit guilty of the conditioning which he was trying to flame.

There has never been a need for me to ‘identify’ with one race or another. My heritage is such a rich one; I wouldn’t know where to start. I’m mixed white/west Indian/black. Just about a typical Caribbean mix. As children, my sister and I were always the ones with ‘nice’ (meaning light brown) skin, and ‘nice’ (meaning long curly) hair. I made friends quickly; I had all the girls wanting to play with me, and the boys wanting my attention. Still, I attributed it to being pretty (and a very nice person *wink*), and not race. Because quite obviously I was black – I was growing up in a predominantly black country.

I only became acutely aware of the mixed race discussion when I first travelled to London a few years back, and again, it’s still evident now. When people ask, ‘what are you?’… ‘black’, no longer seemed sufficient. Black girls/guys here aren’t exactly fighting over themselves to embrace me as one of their own, and I’ve given up on the Indians (known here as Asians) welcoming me with open arms (afterall I am West Indian – not East Indian, and don’t look anything like them)– infact my experiences with them have been along the lines of racial rebuff. So in the end...I’m not quite black enough, and not quite anything-else enough.

What of being mixed race is so controversial? Where I come from, the age-old proclivity of being drawn to lighter skinned people or those with straighter longer hair still exists. There is still evidence of whites being regarded as superior. Up until a few years ago, some companies - mostly banks- would noticeable employ only lighter skinned people.

I’ve seen it with my parents, I’ve seen it with many people in their generation. It has something to do with them being raised by parents, who were direct descendants of slaves. And so that conditioning of the white man being ‘massa’ and superior (although subconscious- no one would ever admit that they think it) is one which remains. Good to know that with each new generation it’s something which is slowly being overwritten by the acceptance that we are all created equal.

Inequality, superiority as labelled by race are notions of the past- in these current times, what makes a man is his character.

Is that the reality though?
It’s quite obvious that the race issue is one which is being debated with increased popularity. A quick search on ‘mixed race’, ‘bi racial’ will bring up loads of articles and now even more popular, dedicated blogs on the subject. The high profile entry of Obama to the world stage seems to have raised the ‘yess!! One of ours!’ flags all round.

The common feeling about being mixed race seems to be the identity aspect of it. ‘Where do I fit in?’ In sometimes racially divisive communities, am I Black, White, Chinese? Who, apart from my parents, will embrace me as their own. People experience, as I have, a feeling of displacement.

When I think like this, I immediately feel a bit foolish and quickly put an end to it. To begin with, I’m not even sure that identifying myself as being ‘mixed race’ is legitimate…back home, I’m just another form of black…and here, I’m just the girl with curly hair. I’ve been (all but) told by an east European friend to get over myself – nobody looks at skin colour, she said. Nobody judges based on that.

Then why do I feel that it is a bit of an issue. And why do I feel that it somehow impedes my efforts of ‘integrating’ and fitting in, in this place.

Having said that, I never fail to remind myself that I am my own. That we belong to ourselves and should hold true to ourselves and embrace that we are each so individual and beautiful. This debate will someday end, and when we look out into the world, all the colours before us will add to the significance and enjoyment as we pass through life.

getting a foot in..

cont'd from previous post..

In reading profiles of some 'powerful women' (according to a few business magazines)...I decided to dig a bit more into Dina Powell, well..just surface digging actually...which turned up a profile of hers on a business networking site. I took a chance, and sent her an email.. never imagining that she would actually read it (sometimes PA's do that sort of thing right? and do away with the 'trash')..

She read it..
Not only that, she forwarded it someone within Goldman Sachs, who emailed me..inviting me to send in my CV to him..and he'd be happy to answer all my questions...

??..the shock of it?..yeah.. I was blown away.. I headed right back to some more articles on Ms. Powell.. and sure enough, was blown away further...I now have a better idea of the person who actually read, and passed on an odd email, from a nobody student..

She is the former Assistant Secretary of State for Educational and Cultural Affairs in the United States governament. She was Assistant to the President for Presidential Personnel...among her list of achievments

Got that?...I sent an email, to someone who rubbed shoulders with the President, Condoleeza Rice and influential people of all sorts. She's now the "Managing Director and Global Head, Office of Corporate Engagement The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc."
..and she read it
..and passed it on
..and someone responded to it

And now I'm about to start playing the game of 'getting a foot in'..or at least try..

Update:
I didn't get a foot in :(
But I did get a good rush from thinking I would :)