perfect day to feel lousy

The year is winding down.

Things are meant to be falling into place.
My life should be in rhythm..somehow.

I'm trying not to be pessimistic here. But why does it seem like anything negative that has to happen..would happen to me.
My sister suggests that maybe God is allowing these things to happen so I will seek his face. A comment I gracefully avoided debating.

So is this how he wants to draw me in to seek his face...that seems a little like bullying doesn't it.
If everything I choose to do, which He doesn't approve of...leads to my unhappiness, leads to more pain.. then, how much of a 'choice' is that truly. It's His way, or none other.

I've been moaning about how much I dislike my experience with Monsoon.

For the past few weeks, I've been feeling more and more like I'm regressing. I'll accept that everyday is an opportunity to learn something new, to develop in some way..come across an idea, think about something in a way we haven't before.
But a sales/fitting room assistant position hardly affords the opportunity to think miles outside the box. It doesn't colour my world in any new shades. It's mundane, it isn't rocket science, and it isn't exactly a learning experience- once you get past the first few days of 'learning' to greet customers in the effusive manner that managers tend to like.

As if in response to my complaints (and intentions to resign- complete with resignation letter typed up and waiting to be printed)...I received a letter in the mail today, from Monsoon...summoning me to a hearing..to discuss the fact that I'm not entitled to work in the UK, and applied to do so under false pretences.

Well then...news to me.

After several calls to the Home Office..it turns out that, in fact..despite being a full time student...I don't have the right to work here. To be clear...it appears that I'm here illegally (now there's a laugh if I needed one)

To summarise: My travelling to the UK on a previously approved student visa doesn't mean that I have the right to be here.. since that visa was approved for a previous course, and not the one that I am currently on.

Here's the question I've asked before.. How do I find myself in these messes.

I should have resigned as I had planned to last weekend. Should have should have should have...what difference does it make now.

I'm about to be fired, for the first time in my life...for being 'deceitful'...but goody, I will be allowed an opportunity to 'defend' myself and actions at the hearing. God..how awful does that sound.

I've been in bed for two days now. I don't get ill very often, and when I do I'm normally back up in no time. But I've had this cold for nearly a week, and it's threatening to keep me indoors, under my covers, with no unnecessary movements. It doesn't sound bad does it. Actually, sounds like the perfect day in.

But I hate being sick. I hate feeling like I'm losing time. And I especially hate the cold sweats, painful throat, blocked nose and headaches.

I'm feeling lousy today.
Lousy and depressed.

..and this letter does fuck all to brighten my life or thoughts...where is that positive road I was on a few days ago.