tea and a window
Funny that I'm back here. Thought I was done chronicling pointless thoughts/words.
Went out to the movies last night. 'Mirrors'..not bad..but the family plot disappointed me a bit..and the explanation by the lovelydemented sister esseker sounded a bit daft after the intensity of the film.
After movies, had a few drinks..and cigarettes. I fell off the wagon that I wasn't even really on. Haven't smoked for years..but i'm tempted everytime I walk by a smoker. It's a bit funny actually..why am I tempted..I was never addicted to them or anything. A little over a month ago, I decided..well I need at least one vice right? So I bought a pack...when that finished, I stopped..until last night.
I seem to have a lot less control over myself than I did when I was younger, a kid even. I mean, I woke up on morning and decided- for no good reason, that I wasn't eating meat anymore..and that was it..fifteen years ago..I ate my last piece of flesh. (gosh that sounds a bit cannibalistic/vamire-y).
I woke up this morning..not hung over..at least I controlled myself enough to limit drinks to two..but with a scratchy throat..those cigarettes didn't do me well.
I'm sitting at my window with a lovely view of the last remaining autumn leaves. Huge trees, now orange and gold and brown. My favorite time of year..the colours. Cup of tea in hand. I've deliberately slowed myself down, and left the tv switched off. It's quite peaceful here.
My movie/drinks companion last night..someone whom I only met two weeks ago..thought it was necessary to tell me that he likes me..'like verry much' (eye roll). Not only am I in no way attracted to him..and baring his age (the kid is 22 for petes sake)..I had to tell him that I'm not looking for anything even resembling a relationship right now...or any significant romantic contact with a man for that matter. Zilch. He should have figured that out though, without me having to tell him.
I'm at a point where, yes, I want to have fun, I want to make loads of friends, people I can hang out with..normally this turns out to be guys.. But, my fun doesn't mean flings, doesn't mean random sex, doesn't mean anything physical..and you can bet i'm not going to get involved in anything emotional.
All of this has me wondering this morning.. Am I going to allow the experience with my ex, to limit me, cause me to blanket judge other men pre maturely, and isolate myself? I hope not. I don't think that's what i'm doing now. I think i've just responsibly decided that..after being in a relationship for 8 years...and after it having been the only relationship I've ever been in..and after it ending so tragically...maybe I just need sometime to be with me..and enjoy me..learn what I want for a change.
What happened last night encouraged me, maybe a little. I had this fear..some say irrational..that at 26..I wasn't exactly going to find myself in the loving game..like my boat had sailed or something. But maybe not. Someone I just met is already very interested in me. Maybe i'm not that boring afterall..maybe i'm not that 'old', or unattractive afterall.
Maybe I need to stop putting myself down so much. And focus on what I am..as opposed to what i'm not. Find out what I can..as opposed to what I can't.
That's it. My tea's gone cold, and my morning is rushing ahead without me.
Went out to the movies last night. 'Mirrors'..not bad..but the family plot disappointed me a bit..and the explanation by the lovely
After movies, had a few drinks..and cigarettes. I fell off the wagon that I wasn't even really on. Haven't smoked for years..but i'm tempted everytime I walk by a smoker. It's a bit funny actually..why am I tempted..I was never addicted to them or anything. A little over a month ago, I decided..well I need at least one vice right? So I bought a pack...when that finished, I stopped..until last night.
I seem to have a lot less control over myself than I did when I was younger, a kid even. I mean, I woke up on morning and decided- for no good reason, that I wasn't eating meat anymore..and that was it..fifteen years ago..I ate my last piece of flesh. (gosh that sounds a bit cannibalistic/vamire-y).
I woke up this morning..not hung over..at least I controlled myself enough to limit drinks to two..but with a scratchy throat..those cigarettes didn't do me well.
I'm sitting at my window with a lovely view of the last remaining autumn leaves. Huge trees, now orange and gold and brown. My favorite time of year..the colours. Cup of tea in hand. I've deliberately slowed myself down, and left the tv switched off. It's quite peaceful here.
My movie/drinks companion last night..someone whom I only met two weeks ago..thought it was necessary to tell me that he likes me..'like verry much' (eye roll). Not only am I in no way attracted to him..and baring his age (the kid is 22 for petes sake)..I had to tell him that I'm not looking for anything even resembling a relationship right now...or any significant romantic contact with a man for that matter. Zilch. He should have figured that out though, without me having to tell him.
I'm at a point where, yes, I want to have fun, I want to make loads of friends, people I can hang out with..normally this turns out to be guys.. But, my fun doesn't mean flings, doesn't mean random sex, doesn't mean anything physical..and you can bet i'm not going to get involved in anything emotional.
All of this has me wondering this morning.. Am I going to allow the experience with my ex, to limit me, cause me to blanket judge other men pre maturely, and isolate myself? I hope not. I don't think that's what i'm doing now. I think i've just responsibly decided that..after being in a relationship for 8 years...and after it having been the only relationship I've ever been in..and after it ending so tragically...maybe I just need sometime to be with me..and enjoy me..learn what I want for a change.
What happened last night encouraged me, maybe a little. I had this fear..some say irrational..that at 26..I wasn't exactly going to find myself in the loving game..like my boat had sailed or something. But maybe not. Someone I just met is already very interested in me. Maybe i'm not that boring afterall..maybe i'm not that 'old', or unattractive afterall.
Maybe I need to stop putting myself down so much. And focus on what I am..as opposed to what i'm not. Find out what I can..as opposed to what I can't.
That's it. My tea's gone cold, and my morning is rushing ahead without me.
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