cross roads

After too long, and too much working/re working.. my Goldman Sachs application has finally gone out. It's my second attempt- since the first one was not successful. Nothing I can do now but wait...Fingers crossed.

I haven't started my coursework..yes I know.. two days (more like two months) behind schedule. I suppose I'm just not excited by it.. somehow that slows things down a little.

I've found myself in a very familiar limbo.
My ex has been inundating me with requests to spend Christmas with me, here in London.
This would be our first Christmas apart in 8 years. Yes- I know that's what a breakup is meant to do. Set people apart.

But I can't get nagging feelings and thoughts out my my head that in some respects, I'm making the wrong decision.

The premise for my thoughts-

I somehow think that he is genuine..and that he has really understood, not just what he has done to take us to this point..but the reasons why he did it..and what he needs to do the make sure he doesn't do it again.

The easiest thing to say is that, this is wishful thinking on my part. That people who lie..and have made a lifestyle of lying, don't change.
That someone who hurt me for some many years..and dis respected me for this long...isn't going to be any different now.

That's the easy..practical aspect of this entire ordeal..and the reason why I have stood my ground, and haven't even considered reconcilation. I have infact moved on with my life (somewhat).

The other side is that..potentially, this person has changed. And I don't believe for a minute that the change is for me, and my benefit... I think he has changed, because he realised that he needs to..for himself.

When it comes to change..the motivation I think is the most important..and more likely, determines whether the change sticks or not.

The dilemma that I face is that... I love this man (yes...still)

I've spent nearly a decade with him.. and together we've made many plans, have had many dreams, and have built something.
By no means are those things my motivation for wanting/or not wanting to give this relationship another shot...instead, it's just a difficult situation with two people who love eachother so deeply.. with a relationship which (without a doubt) is one of those you experience once in lifetime.

I truly believe that what we had, was something that some people never experience. Two people who connect, understand eachother, and just quite simply compliment eachother splendidly.

And that's what makes it hard. I have thoughts running parallel within me. I'm in conflict with myself.

Realistically: I don't believe, and I don't expect anything to be different. Basing this on past experience with him..that things always always end up in the same mess..i.e, lying, cheating.

Emotionally: I think that he is now genuinely mores aware of himself, and his actions.. and I think he is genuinely making an effort to change.

These two realities are at odds with eachother.
And I'm left hopeless.

Do I stick with reality..be practical.
Or do I go with my gut.. which says something different from my practical mind.. and which also hints that I might be making a mistake, if I don't give it another shot.

Grrr!!!
To think Christmas brought this on.

I hate Santa.

speak to us of love

From the writings of Khalil Gibran...

'The Prophet' is one off my most loved books...and the second chapter is one of my favorites within it

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

all possibilities

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until
they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
Anais Nin

I have learnt that my name has several meanings..depends on who I'm talking to. It means water, money, or my favorite voodoo (or magic)..I've always though I had a certain mystical something (lol)...

I've been told that I look like I'm from Tunisia. and in an effort to not look foolish next time I'm told I look like I'm from Tunisia I've researched the country...so my knowledge has now expanded a little.

I've met someone from Nepal..and subsequently learnt where it is. Hey my geography could be alot worse.

I've heard of Druism for the first time...and learnt that as a religion, Druists believe in re incarnation. Never met anyone who believed in re incarnation before.

I've met someone who lived through wars in Lebanon throughout his childhood...a humbling experience and harrowing one. How do you come out through these experiences a happy and balanced person.

There truly is a wealth out there. People, their diversity..this world is beautiful because of it.

After lectures yesterday I tagged along with a group of friends as they went in search of lunch.

We drove for 45mins to get to a kebab shop. Was hilarious really. We all know men love their food.. but, the three of them kept going on and on about the phenomenal burger we were about the have.

So after 45 mins..we got to this famed kebab shop ..and by gosh.. the size of the bloody chicken that went into the burger was enough to choke on. Needless to say, I held on tightly to my veggie one, and tucked into my chips..goooood. Heyy..I love the odd burger just as much as the next guy alright.

Two of them couldn't finish their massive plates..wonder why.
This one goes down for the record.
Apparently that restaurant is known for their 'big ones'.

Was dropped off home afterward..did a bit of cleaning- while trying to avoid straining my still-bleeding-stitches..a little bit of painting..or I tried to rework a few mistakes on a painting. Need to get some decent brushes.

I'm up today..tea in hand..and fully intend to
1. Send out at least one application
2. Start my coursework. I'm being severely delinquent on this one. And today is the day I stop (ehem)
3. Do some overdue washing.
4. Do some more cleaning..tackle the bathroom

I know it doesn't sound like much but.. somehow.. it is.

Be back a little later.

its only love..give it away

When we're all absorbed in our own lives..and our own troubles..

Or when we're all bundled up with love..and greatness..and warmth..

Give some away.. either way... it's only love..

Don't hold on to it..and alot more will come your way..

A bit early but..Happy holiday season... let's remember what it really is about..

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