cross roads

After too long, and too much working/re working.. my Goldman Sachs application has finally gone out. It's my second attempt- since the first one was not successful. Nothing I can do now but wait...Fingers crossed.

I haven't started my coursework..yes I know.. two days (more like two months) behind schedule. I suppose I'm just not excited by it.. somehow that slows things down a little.

I've found myself in a very familiar limbo.
My ex has been inundating me with requests to spend Christmas with me, here in London.
This would be our first Christmas apart in 8 years. Yes- I know that's what a breakup is meant to do. Set people apart.

But I can't get nagging feelings and thoughts out my my head that in some respects, I'm making the wrong decision.

The premise for my thoughts-

I somehow think that he is genuine..and that he has really understood, not just what he has done to take us to this point..but the reasons why he did it..and what he needs to do the make sure he doesn't do it again.

The easiest thing to say is that, this is wishful thinking on my part. That people who lie..and have made a lifestyle of lying, don't change.
That someone who hurt me for some many years..and dis respected me for this long...isn't going to be any different now.

That's the easy..practical aspect of this entire ordeal..and the reason why I have stood my ground, and haven't even considered reconcilation. I have infact moved on with my life (somewhat).

The other side is that..potentially, this person has changed. And I don't believe for a minute that the change is for me, and my benefit... I think he has changed, because he realised that he needs to..for himself.

When it comes to change..the motivation I think is the most important..and more likely, determines whether the change sticks or not.

The dilemma that I face is that... I love this man (yes...still)

I've spent nearly a decade with him.. and together we've made many plans, have had many dreams, and have built something.
By no means are those things my motivation for wanting/or not wanting to give this relationship another shot...instead, it's just a difficult situation with two people who love eachother so deeply.. with a relationship which (without a doubt) is one of those you experience once in lifetime.

I truly believe that what we had, was something that some people never experience. Two people who connect, understand eachother, and just quite simply compliment eachother splendidly.

And that's what makes it hard. I have thoughts running parallel within me. I'm in conflict with myself.

Realistically: I don't believe, and I don't expect anything to be different. Basing this on past experience with him..that things always always end up in the same mess..i.e, lying, cheating.

Emotionally: I think that he is now genuinely mores aware of himself, and his actions.. and I think he is genuinely making an effort to change.

These two realities are at odds with eachother.
And I'm left hopeless.

Do I stick with reality..be practical.
Or do I go with my gut.. which says something different from my practical mind.. and which also hints that I might be making a mistake, if I don't give it another shot.

Grrr!!!
To think Christmas brought this on.

I hate Santa.