life is not about finding yourself

...it's about creating yourself

Boy am I having a hell of a time creating me.

I had this great idea for a very philosophical attempt at blogging about that quote "life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself". Ofcourse, now i'm blank.

I'm suffering from a serious case of the 'shut-in'. I spend all my time, by myself. This should somehow help in the whole finding myself journey right? All this time spent, indoors, reflecting on why i've made certain decisions, why i've ended up here. Why i've had a decidedly shite year. But I come up somewhat empty.

I actually enjoy spending time by myself. During my teens, my only sibling left to study abroad. After that, I found myself learning to enjoy being with me. I spent loads of time on the internet, reading, taking drives to the beach with my dog. Had very philosophical moments with my friends, seeing as that time coincided with my first experiences with marijuana...you know what happens.

But anyway, I fail to answer all those questions of why why why. And in truth, it seems to be bordering on the obsessive, or on my reliving the past. A shite year so far, maybe I need to focus on having a brilliant rest of the year.

I'm a procrastinator. I leave things until the last minute, current offenders:
- my visa extension, which I should have been working on from the start of summer,
- revision of last year's accounting course - my memory is shite, and i've forgotten everything..everything..good grief don't ask about financial or management accounting..umm what is that?
- replacing that oversized three-legged table which is taking up most of the space in my tiny studio. Hey, in my defense, i've already ordered a work desk..right in time for the new semester..waiting on it to get delivered now.
-figuring out what I want to do with my life. This one is by far the worst, and recurring. I've gotten to the point where I get nervous thinking about it. What now what now what now! I'm nearing 30 dammit.

Right! So i'm trying to establish the best ways of 'integrating'. Making friends, being more approachable, having the faintest idea of how to hold a conversation with a stranger. It's like I was never properly socialised! which is a lie ofcourse...I used to be the life of a room, the funniest person around, I used to enjoy meeting and being around people. That changed somehow...I changed, during this relationship. I became more settled, and more comfortable being the other person's half, that I forgot me. And so, thrown back into the real world now...i'm having to readjust to 8 years of bad habits, being the other half.

Back to integrating.. my latest attempt. I've applied to volunteer in a youth program..to become an EYE, Envision Youth Educator. It's a bold step for me..i'm going to be working with 16-19 yr olds, a very intimidating group. I'm also considering salsa..thats right..dancing..i've never done salsa before..so again, another bold move. I've also, sort of, showed interest in volunteering with the International Student Society at my uni. I have a few more thoughts running through my head..I just have to be careful that i'm not stretched too thin (yah). The idea is to get me out of my comfort zone..

ehem
I promised myself i'd write, and not review..not stop to make sure everything was phrased perfectly..not even to make sure that there's a flow in my thoughts..
I know there isn't!..i started with a quote about creating my life..and i've finished..hmm.. not even sure with what..